what the heck is selfishness, anyway?

hey.

for the past while, my brain has been circling around the concept of “selfishness”. mainly, my fear of being a “selfish person”… if i’m honest… i think it might even be my biggest fear. when i say i think about it a LOT - i really mean it.

if you’ve followed these little posts for a while, you know that i also think about work a lot. i might even think about selfishness even more (and even how it may relate to our careers)

it’s a really hard fear for me to begin trying to get over. as we’ve recently focused more on self-care and self-love as a society, it’s been difficult for me to reconcile those ideas as healthy, unselfish pursuits… isn’t there a limit? how much self-love is too much? where do we cross the line of really taking care of ourselves and get into self-centred territory?

why do i fear this so much? in my pursuit of writing these thoughts out & even creating this website, i’ve feared that i’m being too self-absorbed. in everything i do, i’m so concerned that i’m focusing too much on my own pleasures and not enough on the needs of others.

similarly - i consider the different pursuits that people take on in their lifetimes; building a house or starting a business or travelling to new places. and i can’t help but consider those to be “selfish”. are they, to a degree? or am i overly concerned of this notion of selfishness that i don’t quite yet comprehend healthy self-image to allow myself and others to fully enjoy what life has to offer?

it is clear that my view of selfishness is unhealthy - it’s causing me to judge not only myself, but others as well, when i know i have absolutely no authority in deciding whether our pursuits are “good” or “bad”

so what does it really mean to be selfish?

maybe it doesn’t it even exist in the same territory as self-care.

as always, i’m asking a lot of questions here. so naturally, i did a bit of research:
selfishness is defined as “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself : seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others” (merriam-webster)
i also found a post about selfishness vs. self-care. it’s really insightful. a main point it states is that that self-care enables us to help others through replenishing our resources of well-being and energy, whereas selfishness is more of a pursuit that depletes other’s resources.

so funny. this is a concept i’ve heard so many times before, and one that i clearly need to often remind myself of.
what voices exist in my life that try to persuade me into believing that i’m living only for myself and it is wrong for me to do things that fill me up? that is so stupid! and so frustrating!! i’m so annoyed!!!

so… i guess to combat this awful lie that makes me feel really bad about myself, i need to actively allow myself to enjoy my time of self-replenishment, acknowledging that it results in a better me for serving others. my life is not meant to feel drained by always making sure everyone is totally okay and give everything i can to “save them” or whatever… i don’t have that much power and that ain’t my job! we have Jesus for that!! and sometimes people don’t even want that shit from other people!

i also think i need to stop apologizing for existing creatively or pursuing my own interests. cause guess what! i LOVE seeing other people do that! and i don’t really understand why i don’t allow myself to do the same and be satisfied with it! as long as i’m not doing things at the expense of someone else, i am ALLOWED!

what a weird mindset. i’m gonna be completely transparent here and say that it is really hard for me to write this out and even resist the temptation to disclaim this post with an apology or explanation. (it is quite different from other ones but it feels good to word vomit… and i’m working on accepting that this, in itself, is not a selfish pursuit but that’s still hard)

i’m still figuring this out, but i really want to stop the habit of shaming myself for enjoying life. probably most people can relate to the habit of being the hardest on yourself, and i really want to practice treating myself more like a friend! mindful self-compassion, baby!

thanks for reading this if you have. this space is a really valuable area of documentation of navigating my brain and the world around me, and as always, i’m super open to hearing if this resonates with you or if you have any of your own thoughts around this.

see ya later!
skye