i’m gonna have fun !
hey.
it’s really been a while since i’ve been at this thing… and i think it’s because i’ve been feeling a bit paralyzed around making anything lately.
while i don’t want this to come across as a diary entry, i feel a need to write out a bit of my process in recognizing this, and perhaps in sharing it, it might resonate with you.
after all, the whole purpose of this thing is just that - processing thoughts for my own sake and sharing them for the sake of sharing… it’s how we grow after all!
where do i even begin!
i guess my personal life has been through a big transition recently - i moved back to St. Catharines after three years of living in Toronto, and although i wholeheartedly believe it was the best decision, it still takes a lot of adjusting, whether i choose to believe it or not.
with that, i’ve been working a lot less than i was, and i’ve had a lot of free time to think and walk and read and reconnect with people and places here. that has been a really nice gift for regaining a sense of belonging in this city, and i’m grateful for the privilege of having that kind of space. but it’s also just a loooooot of time in my head.
when my brain goes into thinky thought, it often dives into the idea of work. mainly:
how do i define work for myself?
what makes me feel productive?
what “should” i be doing?
what is my life’s purpose?
i have to be honest in saying that i’ve felt a lack of purpose and productivity, and my self-worth has suffered. perhaps because i’ve just been in my head so much about it all. i started therapy this week and it’s already helped me to realize that i’ve always been a very success-driven individual, growing up constantly achieving good grades at school, and working towards goals in dance classes. i’ve always had something to chase and achieve that’s affirmed that i’m doing something worthwhile, and now there’s nothing.
although, yes, i’m not technically “working” as much as i’m used to, i’m never one to stay idle all day. and it’s kind of silly to realize that i intrinsically believe that working is the only meaningful way to spend my time, despite how much i’ve learnt to value my time of rest.
i’ve also discovered that my paralysis in making things is because i have an expectation on myself to make something good, or something that’s gonna change the world, or at least something that i will profit from (because i’ve chosen to pursue the arts as a career).
when i think back to my “success revelation” two summers ago, where i decided that i wasn’t going to define my sense of success around money or recognition, this feeling i’ve had is totally against that!
how did i let myself get here?
so, with all these and many more thoughts, i’m deciding my new goal is to have fun! the whole reason why i began in the arts, and began this website, is because it’s fun!! i really do love it!!! and right now i’m taking myself way to seriously in this thing!
the opportunity i have right now with all this space and time (and the beautiful springy weather) is ideal for having the most fun i can. so i am releasing those silly paralyzing expectations of creating the most meaningful thing i can, because you know what, we all need a bit more fun right now! and that’s meaningful, too.
this year has been heavy. in so many ways. and i’m ready to enjoy life again and invite others to join me.
so let’s have fun!
that’s all.
thanks for reading :)
