a mother's day reflection

i’d like to start this one by saying that i don’t know where to start…

and i feel like that’s very common with anything i ever write… in fact, i might start every post with that exact statement (hopefully not)

but this time is especially hard because i have no idea how to say everything i want to say “well” or “right”, and want to be really careful as to not come off the wrong way … so perhaps i’ll begin with how and where i felt the urge to write about this…

this morning, i got up and began my day as usual by going out for a jog. today was different, however, because i am in a different place - i’m back in my hometown now, because i came to surprise my mom yesterday for mother’s day (which will come up again later).

now, something i almost always do while i’m out is to take a moment to pause about halfway through, preferably in a park, and allow myself to really be present… i take in the wonders of creation around me; the trees, the sound of the birds, the smell of the grass, the feeling of the morning dew… it all sounds very goo-goo-ga-ga day-dreamy to me when i just write it down, but i’m telling you, it has been magic for engaging simple gratitude and finding a sense of grounding for the rest of the day.

anyways! every day that i do this sort of meditation / contemplation / prayer, something different comes up. and today, as i was feeling especially grateful for the opportunity i have right now to see my mum and my family, i remembered my co-worker who told me yesterday that he hadn’t seen his mom in 3 years… and then i thought of most of my other co-workers who have immigrated here and haven’t seen their families for even longer… and my close friend, Hani, who also hasn’t seen her family in a while and always tells me how much she misses them and constantly contemplates whether or not she should go back home to Mexico… and all of these people that i know who don’t have the insane privilege that i do to see my family so easily began popping up in my mind…

and i think of how my mum reacted yesterday when i surprised her (i’ll put a video below - it’s pretty sweet), and how that was only after two months apart. even the moments when i first saw my dad and my brother (and they knew i was coming home); the way in which we held each other for the first time again and just how good it felt to finally be in the same space just felt like a true gift. and it’s kind of funny, because we’ve spent longer amounts of time apart in the past… but the uncertainty of when exactly we would see each other again made those moments so much greater. and so i cannot even begin to imagine how other people who have had to bear much longer without their families feel.

and i want to say again that i really don’t mean to come across as boastful in any way… everything i’ve said to this point is not to shove the facts into people’s faces, but i want to empathize with you.

if you haven’t seen your family in a long time, i offer you my heart. and though i will never understand the intensity of what you feel around the separation, i want to say that i am sorry because i know that it’s taxing. i am so so aware that i am very privileged and very blessed and i will not take it for granted any more. and i wish that i could do something… but i don’t know what that is yet. so if you feel this way and there is any type of support you need, i’m here.

now i want to take a bit of a step back to the where i left us off in the park, because as i continued my contemplation, i was looking at the houses in front of me, and began to make assumptions about them because of how they appeared on the outside - tiny, a bit run down, just looking glum… i then realized that it’s not fair to judge these houses based off of how they look (hmmm like people?) but it led me to recognize my privilege even further. to be in a family that feels relatively “whole”. no family is ever perfect (because people are not perfect!!), and mine definitely has it’s brokenness, but for the most part, i am pretty lucky. and again i’m really trying to not be boastful - but instead i want to communicate that i recognize that i am privileged in this. and i think it’s important to recognize this privilege so that i am not ignorant - that is worse. and my heart breaks for people who come out of families who are so broken to the point of being abusive in any way.

if you do have a decently “healthy” family, i think it’s really important to take a moment to really appreciate that fact. despite whatever shit happens, it is a real privilege to have a family to miss.

and now i’m left a bit speechless, i don’t know what else i want to say or even the point of this post. but the purpose of these “thoughts” are kind of to be just that - and i just felt a bit of a compulsion to share today’s reflection… so take from it what you will. perhaps it reminded you of something so special that you often take for granted.

so to cap it off, i want to express my gratitude for my family because if i don’t do that in the position i am in, then i question whether or not i am using my position wisely. again, i don’t want to be ignorant towards the blessings i have been given, i want to consciously express my gratitude.

i also strongly feel that it doesn’t have to be a public declaration of gratitude - i have nothing to prove to anyone here. but i would like to take a moment to highlight my mother, especially because it was just mother’s day.

so, mom… thank you

thank you for every detailed thought you put behind loving our family

thank you for the kleenex box in the living room

thank you for the pantry that will never be empty

thank you for cleaning my bedsheets every time i leave home so that they’re ready when i come back

thank you for moving that vase of flowers into my room last night

thank you for your long sappy texts that make me roll my eyes but secretly, deep down, make me smile

thank you for supporting me with wisdom, long hugs and helping me find my way out of a problem

thank you for supporting me in ways that may feel opposite - like taking a step back when you would’ve wanted to step in, but knowing that what i really needed was space

thank you for encouraging me

thank you for teaching me

thank you for holding me

thank you for all of the innumerable, beautiful ways in which you love me even though i don’t deserve it.

i love you.