why i have removed “productivity” from my vocabulary

i think about work a lot.

maybe it’s my ripe age of 21, or the reality that living through a pandemic offers plenty of open space to contemplate and question everything because so much of the “known” world is changing (or rather, we are just better recognizing the always changing, unknown world we live in). i assume it’s a cocktail concoction of both.

my contemplation began just months before graduating my first diploma program. i was soon entering into the “real world” where my schedule would no longer be dictated by an institution; it was up to me. most of my considerations were around success, and specifically, how i wanted to define it for myself. i rejected the societal standard of measuring my success by how much money i would make, or what title i would hold, or how “known” i would be in my field. while those are pleasant bonuses, i decided i’d be much more satisfied just knowing that i’m doing something i truly love. and while i’m aware that that could also be a tricky avenue to travel down (bearing the weight of making a living upon my passions), i know i would prefer to spend my currency of time on the things that i really enjoy.

however, there’s one sneaky little factor a part of my definition of success that i hadn’t realized until now. one written in fine-print at the bottom of the “self-evaluation” portion. one that i found is so ingrained in our culture that we don’t really think twice about what it does to our self-worth. and while i acknowledge that perhaps i’m the only one who bears a lot of my self-worth on this thing, i think it’s worth talking about. and i wouldn’t be surprised if many other people reading this discover that they feel the same.

that thing, my friends, is productivity.

and i’ve decided to consciously remove the entire notion of “productivity” from my vocabulary.

before i go off into my entire thought process, here are some official definitions:

productive: “having the quality or power of producing especially in abundance” (merriam-webster.com)

productivity: “the quality, state, or fact of being able to generate, create, enhance, or bring forth goods and services” (dictionary.com)

“productivity refers to the rate of output per unit of labor, capital or equipment (input). we can measure it in different ways.” (marketbusinessnews.com)

as you can see, productivity was a term created for the purpose of defining economic growth.

yet, somehow, it seems to have managed to weasel its way into our own, personal vocabularies as a means of defining our worth, not just as workers, but going further to measure our value as beings. when we make proclamations such as “today was such a productive day!”, and use them as a means to express that we’ve accomplished a certain quota of things within our days and therefore deserve reward, it can sneakily turn into a means of depriving ourselves of the things we enjoy, or even simply just resting, if we find ourselves having not reached said “quota” one day.
if we turn productivity into an expression of “i am enough because i have done enough”, we suddenly mount our self-worth on a very unstable pedestal. if we decide to take a day to rest; a day not to “do” but just to “be”, then we are not spending our time wisely. we are not making a contribution to the workforce and therefore we are of no use to the world. in a system built on capitalism, where the structure of our lives is based around our careers, this makes a lot of sense.

i recognize that this may not resonate with you, but i can testify this as 100% truth for myself. as someone who’s chosen path is very self-driven, i have become addicted to and dependant on productivity.
when i consider how i speak to myself, how i find myself evaluating my day at its end, and ultimately how i feel a strong sense of self-worth and meaning, it is always based on what i accomplish towards my goals and whether or not i did enough to believe that i deserve to enjoy the way that i spend my time.
that’s just not right.

this has had two major implications on my thinking; the first being that it has resulted in a negative perception of my idea of “work”. when i tie my work to a sense of “productivity”, i suddenly feel so insufficient. failure is inevitable because there will always be more that i can do. always.

but, hey! this is where my thinking is changing. i’m not a machine designed for the purpose of being the most productive, doing the most that i can all the time.
i’m a being designed just for that; being!

being being being. that’s it.

and yes, sometimes that involves work. and that’s a good thing, too! work can be fulfilling and meaningful. it is supposed to be! it is designed to be a part of our being, but it is not the only thing we are designed for. and there is a biiiiig difference between seeing your purpose as “to do” than “to be”.

in the same vein of “doing” and “being”, the second implication i’ve noticed is that i have confused the notion of meaning itself with the notion of productivity. while that may seem like a stretch, i will try my best to articulate what i mean.

when i think that i can only find meaning through what i do, then my sense of meaning is diminished when i am doing something that i don’t enjoy. and sure, there are ways to “find meaning” in anything that we do, but sometimes that’s really difficult!
however, when i separate my sense of meaning from the things that i do; when i don’t put the weight of feeling fulfilled by what i spend my time in a day doing, and rather choose to view my time as inherently meaningful; attuned to the meaning around me, whether or not i’m “doing” anything, then i will undoubtedly find meaning in everything, without having to strive to create or seek it.
and don’t get me wrong, i’m not saying i’ll never “do” anything meaningful again… i think that comes as a piece of the picture, but it does not make up the whole puzzle. 

for me, this is all a mindset shift more than anything else. it’s not an excuse to just sit on the couch for the rest of my existence; that is just about the least fulfilling thing i could imagine.

rather, it is the freedom for me to still feel a sense of self-worth when i’m not doing something “productive”.

i am freeing myself from the need to justify my pleasurable, meaningful time spent reading or gardening or cooking as “productive” (“because it can be productive to feed your soul that way”), instead of just accepting and validating it as worthy simply because it is fulfilling and meaningful to me.

i am freeing myself from the pressure to have a “good enough” response when i am asked “so what are you up to for the rest of the day?” when i have no further plans.

i am allowing myself to really enjoy my life, maybe for the first time. i have always been a “doer”, but i am committing to a life of “being”. to truly accepting each moment for what it is, and to work with the ebbs and flows of life.

if this is you, too, i encourage you to try re-posturing yourself this way, and removing productivity from your vocabulary, too.

one day, i hope to add it back, allowing the notion to take a healthy space in my life, and not manifesting in my self-worth.

but, for now, i’m really happy just being.